Guest Post: Kris from Pretty All True

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Since I’m off at a conference, I’m welcoming Kris from Pretty All True to The Daily Dribbles.  I love Kris.  I don’t know how she found me, but all I know is that one night, I was tweeting about Seinfeld and she replied to a tweet.  After I checked out her blog, I was hooked!  She’s a “no holds barred” blogger, where pretty much anything goes on her site.  Kris is an incredible writer…moving me to tears one day, and making me laugh hysterically the next.  You definitely have to check her out if you haven’t already!

Without further ado…Kris, from Pretty All True:

Cookies for David – By Kris

OK, you know how reporters sometimes do those “Man on the Street” interviews? In which the reporter walks around trying to hold impromptu interviews with people who just happen to be walking past?

So I was going to do that, but then a few problems cropped up almost immediately.

1) Not that many people walk past my front yard, and that was as far as I was willing to travel to interview a man on the street. (I would like to note here that I would travel farther than my property line to interview the author David Sedaris, but that would not be a “man on the street” interview. Plus also? Mr. Sedaris has apparently decided that our one shared courtroom experience was enough of me for a lifetime. David? Babe? If you are reading? I love you.)
2) I do not have a microphone or interview materials of any sort, and so my requests to interview the few people I did see were met with looks of incredulity and fear. (Note to self: Bathrobe is apparently not appropriate interviewing attire.)
3) I hate people. (In my quest to play girl reporter, this was a bigger stumbling block than I anticipated.)
4) And finally . . . You people are not here to read about the man on the street! I am the one who should be interviewed! You are here to read about me! I am a woman of the street! I walk the street! I am a street walker!

Wait . . . what?

Ok, so new tactic.

But now I need someone to interview me.

There is an older gentleman who rides his bicycle past my house perhaps 20 times a day. He pauses sometimes in front of our driveway to stare in our windows and take a refreshing drink from his thermos. He loves me.

Let’s call him Sam.

OK, so I walk out to the end of our driveway and explain the situation to Sam.

He is agreeable.

I have prepared a list of questions I think he might want to ask me, but Sam waves me away. From his back pocket, he pulls a crumpled and folded piece of paper and declares himself ready to start interviewing me.

OK, that’s weird, right?

But I have a deadline here, so I sit down on my front steps and tell him to fire away.

He takes a sip of his water.

And begins.

Sam: Is your bra back or front closure?

Me: OK, no. That is not the sort of interview I had in mind. You can’t just open with a question about my bra, you freak.

Sam: Well, then forget it. I’m not interviewing you if you’re going to be boring. I thought you were better than that.

Me: Fine. I’ll just edit the bra thing out later. Back closure. Moving on.

Sam: If I were to offer you a popsicle, would you be a biter or a sucker?

Me: OK, never mind. Go. Ride your bicycle around the neighborhood and go back to worshipping me from the end of the driveway. This interview is over.

Sam: Geez. I had no idea you were such an angry person. I am going to mark you down here in my notes as a biter.

Me: Listen, pedal-powered stalker. Do you have any reasonable questions to ask me?

Sam: You asked me for help. You need to just answer the questions and stop whining. The faster we get this done? The faster you can invite me in for cookies. So how old are you?

Me: I am 44, and I am not inviting you in for cookies.

Sam: Favorite color?

Me: Green.

Sam: Pencils or pen?

Me: Pen.

Sam: Hugs or handshakes?

Me: Handshake. Definitely handshake.

Sam: Bikini, briefs, or thong?

Me: I am editing all of this out, just so you know . . . and I don’t wear underwear.

Sam: I actually already knew that, but I wanted to play the part of a good reporter.

Me: What?

Sam: Moving on. Are you a top or a bottom?

Me: Either works for me. And Sam? We are never speaking again after this interview. Just so you know.

Sam: Would you like a drink from my thermos?

Me: No, and it occurs to me that your thermos is not filled with water like I thought.

Sam: Would you like to see the trick I can do with my pockets?

Me: No.

Sam: Do you have any tricks you would like to show me?

Me: No.

Sam: But you know tricks, don’t you?

Me: Yes.

Sam: Do you like cookies?

Me: I do like cookies.

Sam: You sure you don’t want to invite me in for cookies? I can smell them from here.

Me: OK, that’s it. We’re done here. I will just make up an interview. No way I can submit your interview to Kmama. Thanks for nothing.

People?

Those cookies are for David.

And David?

Call me.

Chocolate chip, babe.

Your favorite.

Tagged as: Guest Post, Pretty All True